The thing you loved too loudly

A band you knew everything about. A show you would not miss, a writer, a team, a series of books you reread until they fell apart.

You had the posters or the records or the paperbacks. You could talk about it for an hour and did, to anyone who would stand still.

That was not a small thing. It was one of the loudest, clearest signals you have ever sent about who you were.

Then somewhere you got quiet about it. Somebody teased you, or you decided it was juvenile, or the enthusiasm simply had no place to live in a house full of other people's needs.

And now, if someone asked you what you love, you might struggle. You could tell them what you are responsible for, easily, in detail.

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This is what happens to enthusiasm in a woman who has been taught that caring hard about something frivolous is a little embarrassing. It does not disappear, it goes underground and gets very quiet.

The same thing happened to the song that used to be yours. It did not leave. It became background.

But loving something for no useful reason is not a phase you outgrew. It is one of the most alive things a person does.

The woman who knows every word, who has opinions about the third album, who gets genuinely excited about something that produces nothing, is not being childish. She is being vivid.

So find one thing this week and let yourself be a fan of it again. The old one or a new one, it does not matter.

Watch the thing. Learn about it.

Get slightly obsessed on purpose. And then, if you can manage it, tell one person about it without apologizing or laughing it off.

Georgia O'Keeffe once wrote that she had settled things for herself, so that flattery and criticism went down the same drain and she was quite free.

Loving something loudly requires roughly that much indifference. What anyone thinks of your enthusiasm is not information you need.

Today you have permission to love something loudly, uselessly, and without one word of apology.

See you tomorrow.