You do not owe anyone the reason

You do it constantly, and you may not have noticed how much. Someone invites you and you cannot simply decline, so you build a case.

You explain about the schedule, the drive, the thing you already committed to, the reason the timing is difficult. You produce evidence, as though a jury were waiting on it.

You do the same with your yeses. You justify the purchase, the afternoon off, the hour with the door closed, the choice that harmed no one.

Watch it happen this week and you will see the pattern. Almost nothing you want gets to stand on its own.

There is always a paragraph attached. A reason, an apology, a small legal brief in defense of your own preference.

Somewhere you absorbed the belief that your wants are not sufficient grounds for anything. That other people's plans have standing, and yours require argument.

So you over-explain, and over-explaining has a cost. Every justification quietly confirms that the thing you want would not be acceptable on its own.

And there is something else the explaining does. It hands the other person a chance to negotiate.

Give someone four reasons and they can dismantle them one at a time. Give them a preference and there is nothing to argue with.

So here is your permission, and it may take practice. You are allowed to want things without building a case for them.

"I would rather not." "I am going to do this instead." "That does not work for me."

Complete sentences. No paragraph following, no apology attached, no reason offered up before anyone asked for one.

Try it once this week, with something small and low stakes. Notice the urge to keep talking, and let the silence sit there instead.

The silence will feel enormous for about two seconds. And then the conversation will simply move on, because your preference was always reason enough.

Amy Poehler wrote about the freedom in saying

It is a small phrase with a lot of room in it. You can hold a preference of your own without arguing anyone out of theirs, and without defending yours to the room.

To the woman who learned to explain herself before anyone questioned her: you were bracing for an argument that mostly never came. You could have simply said what you wanted. You still can, starting now.

See you tomorrow.